BB

My strengths and weaknesses--- I have little details so far and I need to amp up some of the descriptions. I used a lot of dialog and I need to go back and review some of the conversations. I need to work on building more tension throughout the essay and find a clear climax.

I think one of your strengths is your first sentence is that is really attention grabbing. It puts me right into that moment and scene. Amother strength was how you expanded that scene. You started from your moment of time and then went directly into your expansion of the scene, however i agree that you do need to look over some of your sentences and dialog, it is kind of confusing to read because there are words missing from them.

I think one of your weakness is that im not clear on what the purpose of the essay is. what was the meaning? I also think that there should be more reflection in the essay. You did a little at the end, but i think you could have done more. I also, don't see a visible climax.

//Description is definitely a strong point in your writing, you paint the scene vividly. However, I felt as if you began with the climax, and I couldn't see much reflection in the piece. By beginning your story with the climax, it falls short towards the end and leaves the reader unsatisfied. Maybe begin your paper with your thoughts, and leave the reader intrigued until you reveal that you dislocated your knee again.//

I agree that you should leave the reader more intrigued. You have great descriptive detail and dialogue but I agree with you that it needs more and there should be more reflection to help the reader understand the meaning behind your piece. You have a good start it just needs some more emphasis on what you want to make your story about. (No Title Yet- Suggestions?)

 SNAP!  With that loud, painful sound I am on the ground. Everything around me melts away and all I can see right now is my expanding leg. The swelling has already started. Seconds after I have crashed down, only a two months after starting college, my knee is at least twice its normal size. The rest of my body is on fire. Adrenaline is burning through my veins, my eyes are stinging with tears, my brain is struggling to figure out what to do. Suddenly someone is by my side. I’m trying too hard to keep my focus to look at who it is.  “Are you ok? Do I need to call an ambulance?” my instructor asks.  “No.” That’s all I can say. If I try to explain any more I might fall apart.  “What do you need?”  I have no idea right now. I need to rewind to five minutes earlier and stop myself from dislocating my knee again. I need to go back and pay more attention to what I am doing. I need to be having my internal struggle somewhere else, where thirty of my classmates aren’t watching.  As if she reads my mind, my teacher gets up and starts to usher people out of the room. I can finally exhale without everyone waiting for me to cry. I can start to think about what happens next.  Thankfully most of the class is leaving; those are the people who understand what this feels like. They have been in my position and know when you fall and can’t get up you don’t need to be watched or coached, you need to be alone to figure it all out. Of course there are a few girls who have never been injured or don’t understand this kind of humiliation, so they hang back and try to say comforting things or give me a pat on the back. I wish I could appreciate their efforts or give them a smile but all I can do is grimace in pain.  And now here comes the next wave of pain. After the initial fall and after the adrenaline starts to settle my body is reminded that I have seriously messed up. I should know what to do next. I’ve been in this position before. My teacher is back by my side and my friend runs back into the room with an ice pack. How did she get ice so fast? Natalie must have seen me fall and instantly bolted. This is really what friends are for. Not to bother you with questions or well wishes, but to act instinctively when something happens.  The three of us tug at my dance clothes so we can position the ice over my knee. I can release my body a little now. Finally I can speak without my voice cracking.  “Are you ok?” repeats my instructor.  “Yeah. This happened once before.” I am surprised at how calm I sound.  “Alright. What do you need?” she seems just as scared as I am right now.  “I need to start moving my leg. I need to keep the swelling down.” Again I cannot believe this is me right now. How am I keeping control?  My teacher looks at me like I am crazy. I feel crazy but right now but I have to stay calm and go with my gut. I start to gently massage around the joint where the swelling is. I feel as if the fluid is moving with my touch. I try to straighten my leg and instantly regret it. That’s too ambitious for right now. <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 16px;"> I look up and more instructors have joined the group. It must be between classes now. This makes my eyes water more and Natalie puts her arm around me. I’m so close to breaking down, I can hardly handle it. The teachers ask what has happened and talk mainly to each other. Once I seem to have calmed down and not be at the verge of tears one instructor asks if they need to call 911. <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 16px;"> “No. I’ll be ok.” This is awful. I am new and trying to adjust and make a good impression and now most of these teachers will remember me for this. I haven’t even properly met all of them yet and now I’m on the floor fighting back tears in front of them. I need to show them I can handle this. <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 16px;"> I ask Natalie to help me up. I can’t put weight on my leg yet so this is harder than I thought. Eventually I’m standing and one of the instructors I don’t know has put an arm around me. Together the three of us start to move. <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 16px;"> “Your doing great. Don’t push yourself too hard.” the professor says as we hobble around. With his comforting statement I can’t control myself and let out a couple tears. This is all overwhelming. <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 16px;"> He asks Natalie if she can help me get back to my dorm. Natalie answers that we have the same schedule so she can help me for the rest of the day. I hate people having to help me but there is no way I can even get into my bed without her right now. <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 16px;"> “Do you think you can get back alright with Natalie?” <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 16px;"> I just nod. <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 16px;"> “Ok. Don’t get worried. Just get back to the dorm, keep ice on it, and take some pain medication. Can you email me tonight and let me know what is going on?” <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 16px;"> Again, I just nod. My mind is racing too much to get out a sentence. I look around and finally really take a look at all of the people in this room. I realize most of them seem to understand, they look as if they know what I’m going through right now. This gives me more confidence, I feel as if they are behind me. <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 16px;"> I put most of my weight on my friend and we start heading for the door. My teacher brings me my bags and Natalie insists on carrying all of our things. As we head out all of the instructors give me encouraging looks and give me suggestions on how to take care of my leg tonight. I can finally smile back at them. <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 16px;"> I’m terrified of what will happen next. I’ll have to call my parents and tell them I’m injured again. I’ll have to go to doctors appointment and do months of physical therapy. I can’t imagine how this will affecting my college classes since most of them are dance. All of these thoughts are racing in my head and I know my day is going to get significantly harder when I have to walk up the stairs or change clothes. But I look at my instructors, all congregated in this room to come and help me and I feel hopeful. I can overcome this.