Muffin

Comments: My strengths are being able to describe a memory in great detail. My weaknesses is rambling on was too much. I hope you enjoy and if you don't really like my idea of the paper, please let me know because I kind of wasn't to write about something else, but I was unsure.

i think my biggest concern is it takes very careful reading to understand you go very in depth on the details of a situation without really giving any context so we can understand where we are the visuals are very good and if you added some broader ones so we understood the setting of each experiance i feel like it would be more successful

My Bright Suicide Jersey City. Metal gate, taller than me to my left, or was it my right? No, a metal gate was to the left of me. Two big men who were very similar in size and shape; the meaning of my relationship with them, however, were completely different. One lingered a little behind the other. My big sister was closest to the gate with the other man to her right. In between us, he holds the sun up in our sky. “JR, JR,” my sister and I yell as we tug and pull at his shirt that stops right where the top of our heads are. “JR, JR, PLEASE,” we both shout as we star to frown. “Okay,” JR says with a chuckle as he forms his body into a strong man stance. Once his fore arms made a perfect ninety degree angle with his biceps, my sister and I latched on like we were about to be pushed off of a swing that we didn’t want to be pushed off of. Each swing on his arm gets bigger as the sun becomes brighter to my eyes. With each scream portraying even more joy, the sun gets louder and louder. White lights; I open my eyes and I am taller in the seventh grade. “Time for school Muffin,” mother say’s to get me out of my bed. Like usual I rush up to be the first out my older brother and sister to use the bathroom. I wipe my hands as I leave the bathroom to go get dressed. It’s time for breakfast, so I scurry down the steps to get the warm food and receive the best conversations, though I wasn’t really educated enough or old enough to understand the flow of the conversations. I still would scurry every day, sit down with an intention to grasp more than I did the morning before, and always ask, “where is JR?” JR is my father’s best friend from his teen years in New Jersey. The two met in Jersey and decided to stay in New Jersey together, while my sister and I lived with our mother and half-brother in Maryland. Let’s just say the last time I saw JR I should have been too young to remember the facts but I remembered everything. One thing did always get me though; my brother and sister would confuse me on my left and my right decisions. Other than that, I felt like JR was always on my sleeve. But for a whole year I have been asking why I haven’t seen him in so long and what is heard: excuses, excuses, and lies. “Baby girl, JR is a busy guy. He has a family of his own remember!” My father would always make sure I had an answer to my pre-longed questions. Yes, I was not young anymore to think as though this man who is not our father will surely take care of us like he is just because we love him like he is ours. That is a fairy tale life and this surely is no fairy tale world. If it was I wouldn’t be looking to my father’s best friend as what my father should be to me. But because of this new maturity, I now have to face to facts of making a real father-daughter relationship with my biological father. So I ask my sister all my questions that seventh grade morning at breakfast. “Have you seen JR at all because I know I haven’t?” As I continue to speak, my sisters face is now just panic. Then she looks to the floor. I speak, “I mean it has been a really long time sing I’ve seen him and I miss him. Do you know Ques, do you know?” I try to continue with my questions but my sister cuts me off. “Mom and I have something to tell you.” Jersey City. Metal gate, taller than me to my left, or was it my right? No, a metal gate was to the left of me. There is one man in my eye line, the only important one. The sun shines so bright in my eyes I could go blind. “JR passed away last year Christina.” I can’t see anymore. I start to fall. “CHRISTINA,” my sister raises her voice so I can hear her. “JR killed himself last year. Dad and I just didn’t want to tell you.” I go to school, numb. The first time I didn’t pay attention in class, I felt ---nothing---empty. He wasn’t even my father; well he wasn’t as worried about me as I was of him. He left his family just like my father didn’t stay for ours. But I am in math now, so I can't think of dad, I mean JR. "Do some work," I tell myself. I get to lunch, I still haven’t done anything. I go home. I sit and stare at a blank TV. I don’t know what to watch because my brain keeps making me watch my only memory of my deceased father. The phone rings and I pause. I hear my mom yelling up the stairs for me to get the phone. “Hello,” I answered. “Hey baby girl, how are you doing today,” my father asks. “Hi dad,” I responded. With a large sigh, my father continues, “Quesie told me that she told you about JR today. I was actually the one to find him in his apartment. I had to take him down from the belt he hung himself with. The analysis of it appears to me. JR’s door half way closed as eyes walk in front of it about to knock. A frantic but slow walk, pushing the door all the way open as my father calls JR’s name. The calls become louder and louder as he gets further in the room. I close my eyes, wanting to see no more of this. My father stops talking because he hears my ocean running out of my eyes. So this is what depression feels like? I become swallowed whole within my own selfish sad thoughts as my love for myself becomes the love I have for my biological family. I hate my family and I hate myself. This was the day I lost my footing on my tightrope to success and just kept falling.