Achusmania

Interesting concept from writing on two different planes, but is confusing to the reader. The tense is a little confusing in the flashbacks; if you are trying to communicate a flashback you need to use the present tense. If you are communicating a memory, you should use the past tense. Maybe try to group the flashbacks in paragraphs that will be easier to follow for the reader. Within paragraphs, the tense changes; make sure you stick with a tense within a paragraph. Good use of alliteration (murky Monday morning). Nice descripition in the first paragraph. I felt as though you had a good idea behind the underlining of the paragraphs that resembled flashbacks, but if you had not described what the underlining meant I would have been extremely confused by it. Also, when you talk about the emotion of feeling betrayed by your parents when they made you move, it was a very powerful part of the essay, so you might want to think about elaborating on it. I like the choppiness of the sentences in the final paragraph, because I think it helps bring the story to an end, and simplifies the points. I think it would help the closing and reflection if you mention how you were feeling at the end of that school day more, and it would help the reader really become part of your story.
 * The strenghts of the essay is the introduction and expansion because I think it will draw you in as a reader. A weakness is that it gets a little repetitive at times. I would emphasize the end a little bit, and re-word certain parts so it goes along with the rest of the piece and doesn't just stick out of no where. I would also add some more details and expand on vocab so that it adds more emotion to the piece. The " _ " represents flashbacks (a change in time)...hopefully it won't be too confusing. Suggestions?**


 * A New World**

That day had finally come. The day that put an end to summer vacation and began a new school year. I still remember the murky Monday morning, on the second to last day of August when I got into my mom’s black SUV, with tears rolling out of my eyes. All of my hidden emotions just burst out and it seemed almost impossible for me to try to control it. As we drove to school, thoughts of how I would make friends, and how I would adjust to the new environment were taking over my mind. I tried to prepare myself to enter this new world. A world in which I could not see my friends every day. A world in which I felt suffocated. A world I was going to be trapped in for the last two years of my high school experience. As we arrived at the school, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

“It’ll be fine! You’ll get used to it before you know it.” My mom said as I dragged myself out of the car. All I could do was give her a blank look.

_

__I could not believe what was going on. My parent had promised to let me stay at my old high school even after moving. In fact, the only reason why they even waited until I was done with my sophomore year of high school to move was so that I could stay at the same school even after we moved. This did not make sense. Why would they lie to me? Less than a week before school started, I was being registered at a new school. I helplessly sat and watched as all the plans that I had weaved for the year ahead shatter before my very own eyes.__

_

At 7:10am, the first bell rang and I slowly walked into the new school. It was old and about half the size of my previous school. I held the pink sheet with my schedule in my hand and tried to figure out where my first class would be. The whole trying to find my class business seemed a little bizarre. By sophomore year, most students would have their school and classrooms memorized. However, that was not the case for me. Although I was a junior, I felt as if I was starting high school all over again. As if, the past two years did not count. I refrained myself from asking other students to guide me in the right direction, mostly because it made me feel inferior. This only made it harder for me. When I arrived at my first class, only a few seconds before the bell rang, I realized it would be a little difficult to choose a seat when most of my classmates had already found seats next to their friends, nevertheless I decided to sit next to a girl sitting in the front row of our classroom.

_

__Just 3 weeks before registering at my new school, I called my guidance counselor, and got all my classes rearranged so that I can be in all the same classes as my friends. Although this might seem childish or stupid to some people, my friends played a huge role in my life, and getting the opportunity to spend more time with them just made me like school even more. I know it might sound like I was going to school for the wrong reason but I disagree with that. Having friends, and being with them in class helps me focus more, and makes me want to work harder. I create competition within the class and make it more fun at the same time. I still remember acting out a scene from //Macbeth// sophomore year. It was one of the most interesting assignments that I got, and being in a group with my friends made it even more fun.__

_

__As I sat in my Psychology classroom, I wondered how much fun I would be having if I was with my friends. We would share stories from the summer, and catch up on life in general. However, what is the point of crying over spilled milk? I was at a new school, and I had to get the facts straight. No matter how much I disliked my new school, or how lonely I was in my classes, nothing could change the fact that I was going to be stuck here for the next two years of my life. As the day progressed, I felt even lonelier than I felt to begin with I sat alone in most of my classes, and decided to spend time at the library because I did not want to sit alone in the cafeteria. Seeing how happy everyone was when they were with their friends reminded me of what I was missing but all I could do was try to get over it. I had to take control over my emotions.__

As I sat in front of the registrar and my new guidance counselor, I broke into tears. I could not believe this was happening. I hoped it was just a bad dream but knew that this was reality. I felt cheated out of my happiness.

__

It was finally 1:50pm and time for my last class to begin. It was easier for me to find this classroom because I had my second period class in the same room. I was one of the first people there, and was waiting for the late bell to ring so that I could start counting down for the first day at my new high school to end. As it got closer for the late bell to ring, a guy walked into the class, and asked me if it was ok for him to sit next to me. I smiled and told him he could. As the class went on, we started getting to know each other. I found out that, his name is Steven, and that he was a senior. We also came to realize that we shared the same best friends although we went to different high schools. My best friend goes to his church. How ironic. I guess what they say is true. There’s a right time for everything. A day that began as one of the worst days of my life, ended with my finding a new best friend. Maybe this new world will not be too bad after all.