gorden_freeman

my main concerns were that the my piece relies heavily on emotion so if you have a hard time sympathizing with it please let me know that and what would help i tried to used descriptive language but know that the vocabulary and syntax i use can be confusing so note where it's hard to follow i take criticism well so anything comments you have go for it i could use opinions on if its engaging and effective ect.

Remember Me

I looked in the mirror to see a flush image of myself looking back. It had been an emotional day, more so than any in recent memory. This seemed unwarranted though. I had just gotten a call from my girlfriend Jenna asking if I wanted to come over for some tea and a campfire. I deliberated for an amount of time. I wondered if I would be able to act myself. Would it be obvious I was upset? Would my demeanor be unusual? Could you see it on my face? Why was I so worked up? My thoughts yelled out in my head becoming incomprehensible. I replied that I would come over shortly knowing I could compose myself, put up a convincing front. That was something I was good at. It was only around 10 in the evening, but this day I had spent what seemed to be days trapped in my own head with nothing but my own thoughts entraining themselves.

I slowly walked to my 89 beamer. It took a few seconds longer to start than normal. For a second I hoped it wouldn’t start so I could stay. Whenever I get upset there’s a point where I want to slide deeper into my pensive attitude, become as upset as I believe I should feel only so I could feel guilty for feeling that way to begin with. I had already did this sufficiently and knew now that getting away from myself would be best.

I tried to turn up the music playing louder and notice it’s as far up as it will go. I tried to drown out my thoughts with upbeat hip-hop from the 90s, but it doesn’t work. Sometimes music fails to vocalize the feelings we have. I became less worked up at the cost of a cold detachment. I was now objective, without emotion. This wouldn’t last.

I missed my exit as I started to reflect on what had happened. All I wanted was to see my ex mary one last time before I went to college. How did it end up as it had?

I drove to the outlet mall near her house and waited, anxiously. She had her phone taken away with everything else when she had been told to stop seeing me. If she couldn’t make it I wouldn’t have any way to contact her again. I wouldn’t have any way to say goodbye. As I was thinking she walked up caught me off guard. I was met with a hug and all the feelings for her that I thought had faded. I was moved that she still cared enough to sneak out to see me. The morning was tranquil. To me amongst all the crowds she was the only one who existed. This dream came crashing down when her mom found us. To give you a clear picture Mary’s father was a sergeant master chief in the air force and he was her mom’s bitch. She ripped Mary away from me taking away my one last memory to be shared with her.

I had gotten to Jenna’s house and was sitting in the car. I finally called her and we went out back. We started a campfire and made some raspberry mint herbal tea, I was enjoying the distraction. I mused myself with the thought that I was worked up for nothing. Maybe I was just being juvenile. After all I was drinking my favorite tea with a beautiful girl and the weather was nice. What did I have to be upset about? Thinking this I decided to talk about my day and what happened.

The more I talked to Jenna the less I talked about myself and the more concern I voiced for Mary. What if her parents hit her? What if she needs me? What if something happens, how will she get ahold of me? I played it off as well as I could but it became clear, at least to me, I had an inordinate amount of care for somebody who should, after all, be no more than a friend. I caught myself and made sure to give the impression that my worries were over a platonic friend and tried to shift my focus. Amidst sitting there the warm light illuminating us in the dark I came to the realization that I was in love with my ex. Why would I feel this way? Where did it leave me?

I had a lot to think about. I said goodbye to Jenna wondering if my feelings would ever change and feeling guilty for my feelings, remorseful. Why can’t we choose who to love? Can we? It was late much later then I realized. The roads were empty and the sun was rising above the empty freeway. I was alone. Was I going to lose the two people I cared the most about at the same time? Was it my fault? How could the start of a day and the day’s end be so far apart and so different? I saw the same sky and felt the same heat but did not feel warmth or comfort. I parked in front of the house, turned off the car, checked to see if I had all my belongings and sat. I didn’t want to go inside. If I slept I’d wake up with the same feelings I had fell asleep too. I grew up believing that I could work anything out as long as I tried hard enough. Where there’s a will there’s a way I told myself. Was there any way I could end up with the one who I loved in the end? Her life was more difficult because of me but was there a way I could fix it? How could I fix it when I couldn’t contact her? I considered calling children services to see if by some miracle she could be removed from that oppressive environment but I knew they would never listen. I bought a prepaid phone and put my number in it. I didn’t know when she would be working so I left it at her job and told a waitress to give to her the next time she came in. This was my last ditch effort. Maybe if we could talk we could work something out. I was willing to go to any lengths for just a chance. If I didn’t do what I could I wouldn’t forgive myself. I waited. I felt helpless. I wanted to do more but couldn’t. I was leaving to go off to college in a new city, to live a new life. I had no problems saying goodbye to Jenna why couldn’t I say goodbye to Mary. Why couldn’t I get over my high school girlfriend? At least as painful as it is my feelings would fade eventually right? I almost believed myself.

I’m in Richmond now. I haven’t been able to truly connect to girl since I got here. Mary is still on my mind on a daily basis. Three weeks after I got here I received a call from an unknown number. It was mary and all my feelings came rushing back once more. I still hope that I and she can still end up together. I’m holding out for her. Am I juvenile? I still love her. I carry a piece of her with me everywhere I go. Am I with her too?

__**COMMENTS**__

1) The transitions from the flashbacks to the present were confusing. 2) Try working out your questions as statements, try elaborating and analyzing the questions that you ask yourself. 3) Make sure the transitions from Mary and Jenna are clear. Some parts involving Mary were hard to relate to. There was not much description about why you loved Mary and why you are still in love. If the characters of Mary and Jenna were developed more, it may increase the sense of value in the changing relationships for the reader.