The+Price+Is+Right

"I'm selling my innocence to an unfamiliar boy in an unfamiliar room. The price is right. The price is cheap. " - awesome ending sentence. Great discription of the event, seemingly wrong, but it was right to you, and you determined that was all that mattered. Emotion jerking story. Diction worked extremely well, made the event very vivid. I think that the attention grabber is very strong in this story, because it placed you right in the action. Simply because the effects of alcohol, it was obvious that the story would be obvious. I also think that you did an awesome job with the dialogue, because you described exactly what people were doing at the time of the conversation and how they said it which makes it very real to the reader, and places them in the scene. I really enjoyed reading the last paragraphs because of the mystery you created within them, the dark room and the silhouettes. I think it would be really interesting if you forshadowed that mysterious feel in the first couple paragraphs.

By now I’m probably on my second or third mixed drink—Coca-Cola and Jack Daniels. I’ve never actually had alcohol before, except for at my aunts wedding reception last May, but I just lie and tell the girl in the kitchen that I have so she’ll continue to mix. The burn in the back of my throat from this unforgiving beverage as it makes its way down is unsettling, but I continue to drink so that I can forget. It’s Willa’s birthday party and the only venue she had to choose from was her too small apartment. She managed to fit well over twenty-five people into this confined space that she paid a little over nine hundred dollars a month for. It consists of off-white walls and pieces of furniture that don’t seem to match, nor do they look like they’re even part of a set. The doors that line the hallway hide two bedrooms, a closet, and one and a half bathrooms that are occupied by unconscious hookups and alcohol poisoning. If I need to piss it’s going to have to take place somewhere that I might get charged for public indecency, so I resist the urge and drink some more. The kitchen is my safe zone. It’s close to the booze and a wall between awkward conversations with people who were a good four years older than I am. I’m not even supposed to be here. According to what I told my mother, I’m going out to dinner and spending the night at one of my friend’s house. What I failed to mention is that tonight I snuck out for the first time to see a boy. His name is Adrian. There’s something in the way his lips move when he speaks, and the way he brushes his fingers thorough his neatly styled, brown hair that has me hooked. I met him when I went to work with my mom one day over the summer. She was always bouncing around from apartment complex to apartment complex training newly employed leasing agents left and right, and in this case her trainee was Adrian. She has been working for Great Atlantic Management from the day of my birth until now so it was only a matter of time before they promoted her to a manger’s position. I was already “out of the closet” at this time so I think she purposely failed to mention that Adrian was gay. No matter how many times she says that she’s okay with who I choose to love, I know that it bothers her, even if only a little. We could be having a conversation about the death of my grandfather and she’ll say something in regards to me marrying a woman and starting a family. She used to think it was her fault I turned out gay, like bad parenting is what triggered my obsession with the male reproductive organs. When I told my mom that Adrian gave me his number she forbade me from seeing him. I think she knew that an exchange of numbers meant something far more than just communication. After she laid out her demands, she bored me with a list of issues and worries so I just gesture a nod between every pause following up wiht a, “Yes, Ma’am”. From then I knew the only way I was ever going to see him again was if I grew enough balls to sneak out of the house in the middle of the night to an unfamiliar place with an unfamiliar boy who had cast some spell over my putty-like heart. My body feels loose. As I begin to walk out of the kitchen and toward the balcony I learn that I bare little control over my feet. The music in the background drowns each individual conversation in living room. I see Adrian outside on the balcony so my first instinct is to force my way through the crowd of bodies in his direction while trying to remain as upright as possible. “Chance! Dance with me,” A voice from across the room exclaims. It’s Leila. I just met her earlier tonight and I’m already enjoying her company. “Okay,” I reply. She shuffles over toward me while swaying her hips from side to side and moving her arms as if there is an imaginary rope around my body and she’s pulling herself in. I smile and mock her movement until our bodies can’t become any closer. “Looking for Adrian?” She asks. “Yes, I’m getting a little dizzy. I think it’s time to go.” “Time to go? It’s only a one in the morning!” She says as she stops her little dance and throws her hands in the air as though what I had just said offended her. “I know,” I reply, “but I still want to go talk to Adrian anyway, so I leave you with the dance floor, Leila.” I spin in a circle, forgetting that I’m already a little dizzy. My heart feels like its about to drop out of my ass at any moment and my stomach feels like its been tied into knots, and those knots have been tied into knots. I trip over the aluminum frame, that guides the sliding glass door, and into Adrian’s arms. “Are you okay, baby?” He says as he drags me back to my feet and caresses my face with both hands. “I’m okay. I’m just not feeling to well is all,” I say while rubbing my stomach with my one hand and putting the other over his hand that’s already resting slightly under my jaw line. “I’ll take you back home with me,” he says in a soft tone, “but we can’t let anyone see us or we won’t ever be able to leave”. He grabs my right hand and pulls me back through the crowd to the front door where we threw our belongings when we first arrived only a few hours before. His urgency to move faster grew more and more with every second, but I’m too busy trying to focus my line of sight that I think nothing of it. We reach the passenger side of his sliver Honda and he opens the doors as he relieves me of my bag and throws it into the back seat. He gestures me into the car and runs around the other side, hops in, then slides the key into the ignition. The car doesn’t hesitate to start, almost matching the urgency of Adrian. The leather of the seat forms to my body as though its curves were designed for me. The coolness is soothing and slowly lulls me to sleep. My eyes are heavy, and before I can stop and think I slip into black as some pop song fades to nothing. I want to stay awake and savor the moment for a little longer, but sleep is too hard to beat. “Baby,” I hear a muffled voice say as I merge back into consciousness, “We’re here”. I felt as though my eyes had been shut for only a couple seconds, but I didn’t check the time before we left so I hadn’t the slightest clue of how long the car ride to his apartment was. I grab my bag and shut the door of the car. Adrian was already behind me with his hand held out for support. I grab it and let him escort me to the door. He only has two keys on his key ring, so figuring out which one starts his car and which one unlocks his living space isn’t difficult to decipher. He pulls me inside and the only thing I could see were the outlines of shadows. He doesn’t bother to turn on the lights because he knows his floor plan well enough to move around without it’s guidance. I follow him up the stairs with my hand still firmly grasped around his and into his bedroom. “Do you need anything?” he asks me. “No, thank you though,” I reply. His room is just as dark as downstairs. There is just enough light slipping through the blinds, from a streetlamp outside, for me to see his silhouette as he takes off each article of clothing, one by one. As soon as he finishes he makes his way over to the bed where I lay and permits himself to undress me as well. First my shoes, then my socks, followed by my shirt, then my pants, until all that’s left is my underwear. He hesitates for only a moment, but slides them off of my heavy body. I don’t resist because I know where this is headed. //I want this//, I say to myself, //I need this.// I lay here in this king sized bed parallel to his body. I think of all the boys who have ventured into this land of broken hearts and lust. I can feel his fingertips as they dance along my frame, raising goose bumps in their trail. My chest sinks, and my breath sinks with it. //I want this.// His lips feel good against my neck. The heat exchange between our bodies intertwines our restless souls. He doesn’t know that I’m a virgin. He didn’t ask. I turn to face him. I can hardly see his eyes, but the brown abyss pulls me further into him. He whispers something, but I can’t make it out. The darkness is calling again. As his lips press against mine I can feel myself slip away. His mumbles become more and more inaudible. My eyes are heavy, and before I can stop and think I slip into black as his face fades to nothing. I want to stay awake and savor the moment for a little longer, but sleep is too hard to beat. I'm selling my innocence to an unfamiliar boy in an unfamiliar room. The price is right. The price is cheap.

//I want this. I need this.// “I love you.”